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| I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I’m missing you and I’m wishing you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go?
You could have let me know; so now I’m all alone
Girl you could have stayed but you wouldn’t give me a chance
With you not around it’s a little bit more than I can stand
And all my tears they keep runnin’ down my face
Why did you turn away?
So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you
Been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You gotta be feeling crazy
How can you walk away
(When) Everything stays the same
I just can’t do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is and it just ain’t like that
Why can’t you look at me?
You’re still in love with me
Don’t leave me crying
Baby why can’t we just start all over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But you’re telling me it won’t be enough
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you
So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you’re keeping inside
That is not how you want it to be
Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it’s the last thing I do
Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you
I’ll be waiting …
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| Mom came home today with a storm cloud over her head. I knew from then that tonight, there was going to be a talk.
"whats wrong mom? you look really depressed.."
"when your mood gets better we need to talk."
"I feel alright. whats up?".........."did you get fired?........dumped?.......are you gonna kick me out of the house?...."
"I am going to get married."
Wow I thought. That was really unexpected. "To who? That white guy?"
"No, a black guy"
"......... are you serious?"
"well, hes not black, he's more latino dark"
So, that basically started an entire evening of heart to heart talk with my mother. Me telling her not to make some stupid mistake by marrying this guy that she only knows for a month just because he treats her right. Her telling me how she is unhappy with her life, and that I as a son is not doing anything to help out, and that I have been really mean to her and dissappointing her with my lack of initiative and I am depressing to her and everytime she sees me she fails to see a future for me.
It was a lot of her talking and a lot of me listening. And I come to realize that I have been terribly unsupportive these days. I have been a terrible son.
I tried to explain to her my reasons for being such a bad son. I told her that my life was in shambles. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Everything that I had I lost. But that just made her yell at me more, saying that life is like that. Life is practical and if you don't keep up with it, you will be consumed. Life is tough, and there is no room in life for weaklings who expects the care of others.
I absorbed my mom's criticism and promised that I will cook everyday from now on and help out best I can with keeping the house clean. I got up to clean the dishes.
"So what happened between you and Cathy?"
That was sudden. I had no idea how she knew. I guess mothers do know everything. My silence was all the answer she needed.
"She dumped you didn't she."
"yeah"
"So you two totally over now? or are you two still connected by something?"
"Shes with some one else now."
"Want to talk about it?"
I turned off the water, sat down, and told her my story. Everything that has happened for the past three years. Three years of pain, jealousy, and torture. Three years of pure unadulterated love.
When I was done, she looked at me gently, not a hint of anger in her eyes but they were filled with empathy.
"Let me tell you, what I think, from the perspective of a woman."
She start telling me stories of the guys she have dated. There was a construction designer who liked her first. Took her out to eat and called her and emailed her on time every night. Then there was a lawyer. Smart, educated, well-mannered, wealthy, tall and handsome. But mom picked the designer over the lawyer because the designer guy picked up her calls. Answered her emails on time. Always made time for her, where as the lawyer sometimes goes missing, doesn't return her emails unless he wants to go out to eat with her. The designer made my mom feel secure. He made her feel like a queen. And my mom was content with that.
Then she told me about Dad. How since she separated she waiting crying in her room for two years and all that came out of all that waiting was divorce papers. She wasn't going to wait around anymore. And she was sick of crying.
"She's cried about it. and once she stopped crying about it it will be over. Just like me. I cried about it, and once I finished, I was over him. Love is selfish. If she loves you that much you have so show the same amount of love back. Then she will show you even more. Its only that way can two couples prosper. Love can't be one sided. Shes would not wait for you like that. You are an idiot."
And shes absolutely right. I was an idiot.
Moral of the story?
Guys should have more deep and meaningful talks with their mothers. They certainly know more than us about how woman thinks.
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| Wow. I posting on Xanga again. Probably because no one really uses Xanga anymore.
So, the past few days, I came to realize that there were so many sorrowful things in this world. I guess my mood and state of mind causes me to be more aware of stuff like that. As I through the labors of work, my co-workers have this radio set up and we listen to the radio while we assemble the 10+ computers that we have to do. 106.7, god I hated that station. All the songs that my parents listened to about that "really beautiful lady o'er there" or how "I got my very first six-string" or how "I am ready, to love you... I am ready, to hold you" and cheesy stuff like that. So I go over to the radio, and chance the station to z100 with much protests from the old guys that dislikes the pop culture. Waiting for some good songs to come on like JT's "what comes around goes around", I listened to the songs that was currently playing and I was surprise.
I realized that so many of this modern music written by young people like us are so sad. So depressing. Everyone was singing about how they been cheated on. How they lost their love, or how their love never came to be. How she "dug my keys through the side of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive" cuz he cheated on her, or whatever other songs that sang about how people cheat. Then there is this one song that really stuck to me. I forgot the words or the title. I inquired some one about it once but I forgot. And I thought it really applied to my situation. And I thought to myself, "man, we are really a bunch of sad people.."
finally, what goes around comes around came on. but that song only made be think more instead of dancing around like a goof. What goes around really does come back around doesn't it...
And then I had enough of it. I turn the radio back to 106.7. Maybe listening to old people songs about love and beauty wasn't that bad after all...
So I go home to grab dinner and watch Ages of Love. Its a new reality TV show about love and stuff, but this time, and the reason I like the show, is that there is no MONEY involved. 1 guy in his 30s dating women in their 20s and 40s. The winning lady gets the man, and nothing else. No money to influence feelings. This was as real as stimulated love can get on T.V. And i like watching stuff like that because I like to observe people. See the way they act, react, and interact to different things. To me that show was a novel concept because it explores the age old question of whether or not a guy would legitimately choose a woman thats significantly older than he is, over a younger counterpart, and quite frankly, I am interested in what he would decide on. So I watch it, and sad stuff happen and this girl gets eliminated. She said in an interview after that was pretty much on the money.
"sometimes when you find love you just have to make yourself vulnerable to being hurt"
~Mary, when she got eliminated
gee how much that rang true...
The past few week, was just a blurr. Everything came so fast, and went so fast. It was like, getting hit my a freight train, but instead of the collision that would kill you the train passes through you like you were a ghost and all you feel is the shock and the train twisting your insides as it passes through. And when the train pass you just stand there in shock. In autopilot, wondering WTF just happened to you.
I hate losing things. I had this really bad habit of losing things ever since I was a kid. I would lose my water bottle, my pencils, my erasers, my books, my book bags, etc. I have lost about everything once, and my parents would always say :" if you keep up like this you will even lose your life some day." I hated losing stuff. I mean getting mugged and losing your shit I guess thats fine. I mean thats just unlucky. But losing shit cuz of your own stupidity thats pretty unforgivable to me and it makes me really pissed. I remember one time, I fell asleep on the bus going home late. Woke up, saw that I missed my stop, got up, and ran off the bus, only to realize that my glasses werent on my face. I got so angry that I ran as fast as I could for a good 10-20 blocks chasing that bus. I was angry I did something that stupid, and I yelling, and screamed and did everything in my power to get it back. Oh I felt really proud of myself for getting those glasses back. But there are times that it was not in my power to get it back. Like, on Black Friday, I spend a lot of money on discounted stuff, only to fall asleep on the subway, and rushing out thinking I missed my stop and leaving my bag of clothing on the subway. Its those things that there is no way you can get back. There is no way that I can chase down a train. It is stupid things like that that really makes me feel like shit. "gosh how can i be so stupid. fucking idiot." man I felt like a retard. It is those loses that makes you feel retarded. Because you done something stupid, and you aren't even given a chance to redeem yourself. All you can do, is look through those closed doors as your bag of goodies leave the station to be taken my some short mexican looking people. That can leave you feel really really shitty.
Now, I always look back to check on if i left anything.
Sad to say, that I lost something yet again. Only this time I didn't lose it on a MTA transport. Even if I looked back to check on it, I still lost it. because I couldn't see that i have left it there, tucked away in that little nook, that little space in time. I mean I thought I had it on me. I thought I would have it on me forever. I mean, I felt it, it was there. But all of a sudden, when I reach to check it, it wasn't there anymore.
I panicked. I got angry. I got frustrated. I felt stupid.
I should have been more careful. More aware. more observant. I shouldnt have been so ignorant
I look back and I see it. Its on the train. A train that is rapidly pulling out of the station.
Gotta go. I got a train to catch. And I gotta catch it before some dude takes my stuff.
I am not emo.
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| One step at a time.... Because I believe in us. | | |
| Made basketball team.
hate being a scrub all over again.
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